Sailing with Charles Series - A Collection of Sailing Humor
As a charter yacht captain and sailing instructor for many years I have often lived in close quarters with strangers for several days at a time, and sometimes up to two weeks. Many people are amazed at how I can tolerate a lifestyle like this and I must say at times it can be trying. But most of the time it’s a challenge that demands patience, tolerance and diplomacy… and the rewards are great. To see a nervous, awkward, apprehensive group metamorphose into a laughing, confident bunch of friends at the end of a week is honey for the soul. Not only that but it has produced the following series of articles. I hope you enjoy it.
Islands
Sailing along down the Sir Francis Drake Channel one day with a panorama of islands always in view some bright spark in the charter party asked Charlie, “Are all the islands joined together?”
Charlie answered, “Well, urrrrh, yes, they are, under the water.”
Islands seem to be a confusing geographical phenomenon for others too. Charlie heard this on the radio by a government spokesman, “The government will improve access to the territory’s clinics by providing a special boat because the islands are all separated by water.” Charlie was glad to hear that because he enjoys sailing between the islands.
Then in a local hospitality magazine a woman was explaining how lucky she was because her son was “growing up on an island circled by water.” Well, I suppose there are ‘traffic islands’ and an oasis could be described as an ‘island in the desert’…I’m just being fair here.
One more question Charlie had concerning islands, “Do the islands go all the way to the bottom?”
Charlie had to think about that for quite for some time. Then he answered as seriously as possible “Those ones sailing along at five knots don’t. Those stationery ones do.”
Then Charlie changed the subject immediately… as was his customary way when getting into deep water…so to speak.
The other day I ran into Charlie at the Jolly Roger, where the drinks are exceptionally good. We were chatting about the nature of islands and the waters surrounding them, “Islands are confusing to many,” he said, “even to those in the upper echelons of government.” A couple of years ago there was a big debate in the legislative council concerning the airport runway extension. A problem was foreseeable… the extension was to be built out and into the popular anchorage of Trellis Bay and the height of yacht masts could hinder takeoff and landing of aircraft.
A minister got up and addressed his colleagues, “Dat ain’t a problem at all,” he said, waving his hand in dismissal of such a minor setback. “We dredge de bay sufficiently to lower yacht masts. It dat simple.”
Names
What’s in a name you might well ask? Well, for sailors who have just launched their new yacht (or newly acquired yacht) the christening of it is of primary importance. It is how you and your yacht will be perceived. There are definite categories that boat names slot into.
There are the funny ones, the romantic ones, the sexy ones, the erudite ones, the ones that signal a financial windfall and those that honor a wife or daughter. Of all the names out there most use the ‘double entendre.’ Wet ‘n Wild is one of my all time favorite boat names and conjures up exciting sailing and kinda challenges female crew members.
The racing boat ‘Slippery when Wet’ comes into the same category as does ‘Foreplay.’ Some boaters can be cunning linguists... “Go to slip 69, starboard side to” ‘Sailbad the Sinner’ must be a re-incarnated pirate. ‘Passing Wind’ elicits a laugh at first glance but after that you are tempted to anchor upwind of him. ‘Never Again’ is rather clever because it reminds all of us that we have at one time or another sworn to ‘never do this again.’ But then the memories of magic moments tend to overshadow the nightmares and we find ourselves once again back at the helm. There’s even a ‘Never Again 2.’ The yacht name ‘Pair o’ docs’ denotes that the owners are a pair of medical practitioners and perhaps the paradox might be that two docs could never be on a sailing vacation at the same time.
Some yachties favor names of Greek gods, planets or constellations. A friend of mine named his boat Aeolus, the Greek god of the wind. When he started chartering everyone wanted to know the history and story of Aeolus. The poor captain became so bored with the re-telling of the same story over and over and over that eventually he told his inquisitive guests, “Aeolus means anal sex.” That put an end to any further enquiries.
Those who have had cash windfalls sometimes pass on the message. ‘Wall Street,’ ‘Arbitrage,’ even ‘.com’ have been seen in anchorages recently but somehow the aura of cold capitalism fails to inspire any warmth or camaraderie of the sea. Some one less fortunate named his boat ‘Aloan at Last.’ One can envision a guy who has lost the house, the car and the life savings but never-the-less has cut the unwanted ties. In a similar vein some choose acronyms. ‘Fujimoh’ is not a Japanese general but rather F#$% you Jack I’m outa here. If you’re not careful you might send out the wrong perception entirely.
Charlie named his first boat ‘Prudence’ and everyone thought he was being a bit prudish. Really, though, he had named it after a particularly ravishing young beauty from Belize who ‘danced like a flower in the wind.’ Perhaps he should have named her Windflower instead.
And lastly there are those who attach no significance whatever to a boat’s name but they are really the exceptions. Anyway, who cares? And, believe it or not, ‘Who Cares’ is the name of a large power yacht seen recently in the BVI. For me a clever, witty or Romantic name is a pleasure... like ‘Dancing Bare,’ which has nothing to do with Winnie the Pooh.